Dreams

My book club just finished Little Women, and while discussing this beloved classic, we were asked to share our 'castles in the air' (aka dreams). As I considered it, I realized I've been doing the same dreaming since I was little- trying to make spaces more beautiful, either physically or mentally rearrange a room/shelf/table to look its best, recognizing complementary colors and patterns and textures. I can't help it! My mother gave me the liberty to do what I wanted in my little bedroom with the orange carpet and peach walls. I was probably 6 years old, and I remember arranging tiny plastic Precious Moments on a shelf, pinning things to the aforementioned walls. I didn't realize not every 6 year old person was doing this. As I got older, my design became a little more sophisticated- antique books instead of plastic figurines, yellow walls instead of peach (okay, maybe sophisticated wasn't the right adjective for lemon yellow walls...).

With MLK Day on my mind, I want values and long-term vision to guide my dreams. I believe God, the One who created me as I am on purpose and for a purpose, has put things in me and allowed certain things to excite my thoughts more than others. The other day I talked with the sweet  mother of a friend, who told me about my friend's calling to be a writer. Even when this author is critiqued to tears and asked to re-write things that she had truly felt so deeply, she presses on. Her mom asked how she could possibly continue after such exhausting correction. My friend's reply was beautiful. "Because I have to. I can't not write."

I've been dabbling in interior design even as I home school, but have felt like I can't give either job my full attention. I'm really looking forward to focused time with work during the day, and focused time with the kids after school. But seriously, this is going to be an astronomical (and good) change for us. I was home schooled myself, so it's what's familiar and safe for my inmost person and for the most part I've loved these years. But I'm so excited to see how we're able to grow through this season of uncharted territory- coming together at the end of the day to see how everyone's doing, rather than wishing we didn't know quite so intimately about every feeling of every person all day long.

Going back to my friend's statement- what is it you HAVE TO DO or you'll burst? Is it teaching? Is it cooking or baking? Painting or making music? Is it writing? Is it crunching numbers? Is it wardrobe styling? Is it running or swimming or biking? Is it caring for someone's medical needs? Think of what it is that your heart soars while doing-- and find a way to make more room for it in your life. Because there are people who God wants you to bless, and ways he wants others to be a blessing to you that can only happen if you're walking in the path he laid out for you. That's what I think anyway...I'm trying it, I'll let you know how it goes!

Happy first day of public school to these nerds!

You've Got This

These girls are so excited to start school! (this picture is like 2 years old and I love it so much)

You're wondering what I'll do until the baby comes in April (besides eat) now that the children are off to school? I'm beginning a career at Traditional Cabinetry! I'll be office manager/social media/PR/sander/taper person. Andrew and I have dreamed of working together, and have collaborated on some of our favorite projects (if you follow me on Instagram you've seen our most recent feat, alongside the lovely Megan Garry). We're greatly inspired by Chip and Jo who built an empire out of creativity and guts. While we're not looking to build an empire, we are hoping to draw out more beauty in this broken world via creating and setting our sights high together. Our enthusiasm builds and our dreams grow as we share and hope and stay up late talking. I've never had the dream of being an office manager (not even totally sure what it means), but let's talk more about dreams next time. This post is more about the NEED for me to come alongside Andrew.

So- assisting Andrew is one reason we've decided to take this huge leap that feels like jumping from Australia to Alaska. Andrew started TC 13 years ago (the very month Oliver was born), and as the business grows, he has continued to be alpha and omega- beginning and end. We couldn't do anything without our employees who are amazing, talented people, keeping the blades spinning and the nails nailing, and everything in between. Meanwhile Andrew is trying to set up jobs and complete jobs. He's in the office and in the spray booth within minutes of each other never quite feeling like he completed a task, like butter spread over too much bread. So I'll swoop in to save the day- obviously my office skillz and general wizardry will relieve so much stress. Winston will be the jester, entertaining us as we go, hopefully learning to read and do fractions (jokes).

And I know you want it-- Feelings Update--
The other night, after we had had a lovely tour of the girls' school and meeting of teachers and classmates, I was lying awake in a panic over what would happen to my children at school when I wasn't there (how cunning of the devil to reverse all reassurance I had felt earlier). But the Lord spoke to my heart so clearly.

"Do you think you can do a better job of protecting them than I can?" 

Here come the waterworks AGAIN. Right, God. You've got this.

Making change

"For everything there is a season.." 

[Old photo, new adventure]

This season I've meditated a lot on Mary's life and calling, considering our similarities at Christmas- being pregnant and doing a lot of traveling (no full-term donkey rides for me...). It was the waiting with eager expectation that made me think of her, accompanied by the human tendency to fear the unknown. And then my thoughts turned to Jesus and how this eagerness and fear gives me a better insight into his coming to earth. In pregnancy there's an umbrella of impending pain that's always in my peripheral. I can usually focus on other things acutely enough that I don't see it..but when I lose focus, there's the umbrella...the thought of labor, delivery, and the aftermath of those things. There are thoughts of sleepless nights and the possibility of postpartum depression. There's the fear of something happening to this precious little helpless person. When Jesus came to earth, his umbrella of impending pain was unfathomable. At first glance, knowing that he came as a sacrifice for our insufficiency, it seems like his death would be the beauty of his coming. But the journey itself was beautiful, with redemption coming to some even before the cross. He taught and loved and forgave and healed, all the while knowing what the future held. Jesus was able to be in the moment, with the people he loved. There was pain and sorrow along the way, but that didn't prevent him from meaningful relationships or joy-filled reunions or hilarious analogies.

I was so moved by this quote the other day:

"Joy and sadness can walk hand in hand, one doesn't need to bow to the other." Annie F. Downs

I love Minnesota. The distinct four seasons and the unpredictability within those seasons (the identity crisis when spring thinks it's winter...or summer thinks it's winter) are such a delight. So why is it so difficult for me to accept that life also has seasons? We're coming to the end of our home school journey- the 3 oldest start public school January 27th, Winnie will finish out kindergarten at home- and I have cried more tears over this decision than probably anything. We Toftnesses typically roll with change, rather than making change. Sure, we have lofty ideas of adventure and the hunger to shake things up...but we always end up choosing the familiar over the unknown. When we decided to choose this public school adventure, a myriad of emotions came in a flood. I felt like I was walking through a mental deluge for weeks. But through a lot of learning and praying and seeking, the co-mingled emotions are becoming less intimidating. I can be grateful for our experience with the extraordinary families we've grown close to through our co-op, and yet mourn the passing of this chapter. I can be happy for what's to come, and sad for what's being left behind. These last few weeks were like the gestation of the idea- I stared hard at the impending umbrella of labor...when I actually drop my kids off at school and say goodbye for the day. I've been home with a child or children since Oliver was born 1.31.07...like literally HOME WITH THEM. And yet, because of the Advent meditation God pressed on my heart, I can look at Mary, Joseph, Jesus, other saints, and know that joy and sadness can work together to draw me closer to Him. Can you even imagine the emotional roller coaster that Mary went through knowing she was carrying the Messiah and raising him to let him go? Or the human part of Jesus that didn't want the pain that was guaranteed if he was going to fulfill his calling? My current umbrella is made of gold compared to the shadow that they were under and the daunting tasks that such a great cloud of witnesses were asked to be active in. What's your umbrella?


P.S. There are many factors that went into this life-style change. If you're interested in all the reasons, stick around. I *might* write a post about it. ;)